The True Ninja's Handbook to the Known Universe
by lilkuizi
Summary: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy retold using Naruto characters. Just as crazy and ridiculous as the original and much more violent.
1. Prologue

**This is a parody type thing on the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy using Naruto characters.**

**I wasn't sure under which series i should publish this...but i guess this will do. **

**Well, as you'll see, the story is basically in line with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. There are some differences, but that's just to accommodate the Naruto characters. And anyways i, being the CTYer that i am, could never bear to change some of the things Adams has made tradition. **

**Yes, this is a Nejiten fic, but it's not fluff. And i'll try to keep the characters as in character as possible. Enjoy!**

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Somewhere in an alternate universe of the most technologically advanced island situated in the largest ocean of an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet, lived villages of ape-descended life forms that are so amazingly primitive that they still think kunai are the most remarkable weapons ever created.

However, the people of this small island were terribly upset. Alliances were forged only to be broken. The villages were at constant, alright maybe not constant, but occasional warfare. What could they do? Some had fooled themselves into thinking that life was good, while others decided to leave their respective villages to for an organization that would essentially take over the small and insignificant island.

As this time, a young, blond-haired fox was sitting in a ramen stand in perhaps the least insignificant village of the group of them. He was slurping ramen like a starving man when suddenly, he realized the answer. This was it! But before he even had chance to tell a soul, his world was crushed by a bright, terrible, stupid, and highly insignificant catastrophe.

No one would ever come up with an answer again.

Then again, no one would need to. Of course this ramen devouring fox also died along with the terrible catastrophe, being on the Earth as he was. There was, however, an earthman who did survive. Along with an alien, and a copy of The True Ninja's Handbook to the Known Universe.

In this notable book, it defines a "bright, terrible, stupid, and highly insignificant catastrophe" as _an event able to be caused only by Vogons and only to an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet called the "Earth". All other such catastrophes are merely, "bright, terrible, and stupid"._

Though this book is very significant to our story, it is not the only thing that is. We must begin with a compound.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1! Hehe that was fast. **

**Can you spot the similarities? Can you spot the differences! ?**

**Well, enjoy!**

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The compound rested on a fairly large piece of elevated land near the edge of the village. The buildings were squarish, squattish, and unbearably devoid of color. The compound itself held no particular significance to the running of the village. In fact, nothing in their way of life would have changed at all if the compound suddenly ceased to exist.

Except, perhaps, for a large clan of elite, short-tempered, and now homeless ninjas.

It was late Wednesday night, pouring and thundering outside. None of the Hyuugas were aware that Tsunade, in a drunken fit, had ordered a bypass to be built through the Hyuuga compound. This was not to say that the _entire_ compound was to be destroyed. No, only certain buildings in the way of this said bypass would fall the next day. One of these buildings just so happened to be the house of one Neji Hyuuga, not that the elders cared much for the branch family member.

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At four o'clock on Thursday morning, Neji was meditating serenely on the outskirts of the compound, leaning against a large oak. Outwardly, he showed no facial expression, but on the inside he scoffed silently at those who chose to wake so late as eight in the morning, passing the chance to watch the sunrise. Well, perhaps Neji woke so early not _only_ to watch the sunrise.

He thought back to the first morning they had trained together. The soft breeze, the polite, shy greetings, and the violent battle. He remembered bleeding from every part of his body, his head dizzy and mind fogged before finally closing off all her chakra, leaving her motionless on the group. But, as he thought back, he also happened to look back. Literally, behind him. Into the Hyuuga compound.

Sitting stoically in front of his house was a giant yellow bulldozer. It's large, malicious claw raised threateningly above his roof. Faster than you could say "_The True Ninja's Handbook to the Known Universe_" Neji was standing defiantly in front of the door, already in a fighting stance.

Shizune stuck her head out from the driver's seat of the bulldozer, "Sorry, Neji-kun, but Tsunade _did_ order this bypass to be built. Although I can vouch that she was drunk, she is still Hokage."

To this, Neji, as usual, did not respond. He merely continued to glare at the Hokage's apprentice.

"Neji-kun, will you please step aside?" She sighed, "Do you think you could ask Hinata-chan for a place to stay for now? Your house stands right in the middle of the bypass and the bypass must be built."

Neji opened his mouth angrily to object, "Do you know how much damage I would suffer if I were to destroy your bulldozer?"

"How much?"

"None at all," The Hyuuga prodigy said acidly.

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By pure coincidence, "none at all" is exactly the amount of suspicion this particular Hyuuga had that his best friend, and long time sparring partner, was not in fact a Chinese orphan, but was actually from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse where everyone could summon weapons at will. Although most did so only for entertainment purposes.

For these fifteen years since this girl had been taken in by the Hidden Leaf, she had posed, quite successfully, as a highly skilled weapons mistress. However, having skimped a bit on her preparatory research, she had chosen the name "Tenten" as being nicely inconspicuous.

As for outward appearances, there was nothing particularly odd about her, except for the fact that she always wore her hair in two tight buns on top of her head. No one had ever seen her with her hair down. When asked why, she would simply respond, "In remembrance of my people." which was true on both accounts.

But really, Tenten was an acclaimed contributor to The True Ninja's Handbook to the Known Universe.

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Having stared down Shizune, Neji, not quite sure what to do was left standing on his doorstop when someone approached him.

"'Morning, Neji," Tenten said brightly.

"Tenten! Hi. What are you doing here?"

"You were late to practice so I was wondering what you were doing. But there's something I really need to tell you. Can you come with me to Naruto's ramen stand?"

Neji felt his heartbeat quicken in his chest. "I'd love to Tenten, but I'm kind of busy."

"Please," Tenten said urgently, her eyes scanning the skies, "It is vitally important you stuff yourself beforehand."

"Tenten, can't you tell Shizune-san wants to knock my house down."

"Well, she'll have a much easier time without you standing in front of it," Tenten observed solemnly.

"But I don't want her to!"

"Oh well…" she paused, "It won't matter. What I have to tell you is much more important. And you need to know. Now!"

"What has gotten into you, Tenten?" Neji asked tentatively, relaxing his stance just a tiny bit.

The girl who's sanity was currently in question had turned her attention from Neji to face Shizune. "Shizune-san."

"Yes, Tenten-chan? Has Neji-kun finally come to his senses?"

"Let's assume for a moment that he hasn't," Tenten began slowly, "Let us assume that he will stand there the whole day so you won't be able to knock his house down." The older woman nodded. "Then it would be alright if he were to say, leave."

"Well, then we would go ahead and knock his house down."

"Oh, but you wouldn't. The thought would never cross your mind, because we have assumed that Neji will be staying there all day."

Shizune stared at the girl. She was also starting to worry for her state of mind. "Are you alright, Tenten-chan?"

"I'm perfectly fine, but you won't be in," She checked her seemingly inconspicuous watch, "just a little while." She sighed, set a scroll on Neji's doorstep, and dragged him out of the way and up the street to Naruto's ramen stand.

"Tenten! What are you doing? Do you really trust her not to knock down my house?"

"Oh, I'd trust her to the end of the earth."

"And when might that be?" Neji rolled his eyes sarcastically.

Again, Tenten looked down at her watch, "In about twelve minutes," She replied, nonchalant. "C'mon I need some food."

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Guess what happens next. =]**


End file.
